Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
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While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.