[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
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the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Boating season is upon us.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.