Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
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When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.