“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
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Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
This January has 47 Mondays
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.