Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
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Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked