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What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds