There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
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The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
(2022)
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying