When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
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when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.