What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
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shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Body by sandwich.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?