I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
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“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
“I FIXED IT!”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…