greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
This trial is so absurd 😭
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
(more comics:
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack