“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
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As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Yup.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity