We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
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This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]