Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
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Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein