I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
The Backseat Boys
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?