Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
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Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
oh my god