Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
are there any atheist mantises?
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.