FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
You Might Also Like
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
My birth announcement for our third baby
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
kids play hide and seek like
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep