I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
You Might Also Like
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
is it earth
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ