I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning