What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
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[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
my name if I was in the mob
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
🙂🐾
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.