She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
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When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.