That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
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Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
sliding into dms like
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.