you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
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“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]