how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
dictator is short for richard potato
Before & after 😅
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Bro what is this
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming