sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
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❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.