“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
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2022: I can fix it
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
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I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.