Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
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I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.