Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
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the pigeons are already plenty salty
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
time for some seasonal decor
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.