…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
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People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.