She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
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I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister