You’ll be OK
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Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes