Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
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Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
at ease…shoulder.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
lmfao
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.