My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
You Might Also Like
I am having an out of money experience.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex