BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
The biggest mystery of our time
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.