Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.