Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
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All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I enjoy a good short stor
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.