My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
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Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
6: are snakes just neck?
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*