Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
🌱🌱🌱
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.