My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
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How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”