Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
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At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.