I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*jingles half the way*
Best seat on the street 😍
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it