6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
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When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
💯😂
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]