Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
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My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
*email from Amazon*
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