Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
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If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Weighing up my bread heating options
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me: