Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
#Caturday
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.