Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
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An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary