[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
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90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”