If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
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*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”