I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
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MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome